I tried to adhere to the rules. Of nothing but making her happy. What set out to be a casual crapping session turned into a heavy conversation. Geez, wonder how she is feeling. Hope she is not feeling sucky cos of that. Hope Gerald makes her smile. Kaoz. Why am I so nice. Always say things that I don't understand and then DC on me.
Well...I tried to resolve it before she flew back again but she kept avoiding the topic. Now it all happens again with us in two seperate land. Singapore is an island....And then she suggest we continue with the once condemned pact. She says "to sort ourselves out", but ya know girls never mean what they say, its an age old fact. I guess she meant " keep trying to get over it ". Well ironically, those were quite my exact thoughts last september. I proposed it and went along with the terms with much finese. But those days were indeed terrible because I was acting against what I really felt. Now I am indeed quite reluctant to resume it. But since its her will, I shall do just that.
Not surpirsing, her blog is no longer active because I know of its existence. Even if she writes, its all for show and I guess the contents will not be deeply rooted in her heart, like it was. So what do I do now, the pact
my way?If she wants to sort out her feelings, she will have to reach it like she did a couple of months back. That means, things will have to be as per the last time. At least thats how I see it.But, what if I put her through the same shit all over again. Haiz...decisions decisions decisions.I guess thats the way it has to be. Do her will, so long as she is happy. Real amazing thing is how she is contradicting all that she said that night. So who do I believe now? The one who was trying to bring across and idea to me just now, or the one who was almost crying on 27th Dec.Hmm....For the third time, I wonder where the good luck charm is. Hope it does bring good luck. OK the pact is back and I hope she will be just fine. She knows she can end it by simply saying so.
Sheesh..a promise is a promise and I have to abide by it. Getting over her ain't easy man. Spent almost a year trying and when I almost totally believed in my lie, all efforts when down the drain.I feel bad now, because I am adopting an almost nonchalant attitude. That forms part of the reason why I am willing to go along with the pact this time round. I am sorry for being selfish. If 4 years later, feelings remain unchanged then too bad. Again, life is too short to think about everything, somethings are better left ignored.
QiuJuan was saying I am not quite Kelvin anymore. Hmm.. thats actually very true. I think I have changed alot these days due to many things and many people around me. Remember how neither Zen nor Zon were complete but they complement each other. I think I am heading in that direction, for good. And of late, I have totally tarnished to image of this blog. Its meant to carry a deep serious tone to depict Zon's character. But I can't do it cos I am no longer like that. Infact, Zon's book " The days " can be considered closed quite some time ago. I think I should move on with the series and attract a new host of readers. Haha.
Pardon me zente, for my vision is coloured by the shadows of hatred.
Forgive me for bearing single minded opinions.
I lack both the ability to think without care for feelings
and the love to look beyond my narrow sight.
Zente has two sides and I saw only the image of destruction and not the host of delivery.
I am far from what I wish I could attain.
Enough
Enough is really enough. Enough means that it has to come to and end. Enough of all this nonsense. Enough of all this speaking in the refined tone like Zon. Enough for tolerating this despicable and unacceptable absurb attitude. Why did I fail the last time.
I went to the market with my sister this morning. Last night, I heard my dad's revelation of tears over how my mother, no that ccb, have been oppressing my sister. And I wonder, how on earth does a girl like my sister deserve such a life. Tell me, how many girls at the age of 18 actually knows the people at the market. How many actually have ever step foot into a wet market before. How many can actually tolerate being screwed from day to night daily to satisfy the fury of a maniac. And she tolerates while my dad watches in tears and I keep my heartbreak mumb. Without her, there is always laughters and joy among the 4 of us. One bitch screws up my family. I wish she get struck by lighting. None will understand this madness unless he goes through it personally. Trust me...
And so much for talking about love.All I conjure when i step home to this madness is my cruel, defiant and unimaginable hatred. Have I been reduced to her standards. Curse me if I have.
Of siblings and parenthood
In SOTL, Zen won over the lives of his parents. He ended his prized winnings with a slit of the throat. The question is: for what purpose was such an acted performed. We do know that there were major conflicts within the family and acts of violence were thus well innoculated in their upbringing.Still, its totally wrong and unthinkable for the twins to commit
murder through such morbit means. Its just not their style. In later events, we see them delivering their
preys though temptations and mental breaks. They coercion their targets to eventual suicide. Thats their style. My guess is, at the age of 6, both zen and zon were too young and thus the only means they could manage was direct murder. This is totally unacceptable because of the lack of style and finese.
Or was it because it was too difficult to force suicide out of both pop and mom, considering the circumstances then? It is indeed difficult to do so, or at least when I had my share of an attempt, it didn't quite work out. Infact, even when the conditions such as the mental state of the subject is favourable to commiting such an act, making one end his or her life isn't an easy task.
It was January 2004. I returned home with everything planned out. From the first step of inducing a hightened state of anxiety, to the intermitten play of mind and then the final blow, I had it all rehearsed. It all went well initially. My mother plunged into a state of mental breakdown, made rather obvious by her irrational speech, uncontrolled tone and behaviour. She did claim that she will commit suicide eventually. I thought I have done the job. But truth is, it remained a claim. Making her generate such a thought of suicide was only part of it. When she left home for a week. I couldn't help but believe that she had actually went along with suicide. Much to my dismay, it didn't fall through. I believe fear - of death - was the major obstacle. In her mind it was probably all go, but fear held her back. Do note that fear of death is quite the opposite of the desire to live.
Had my plan fall though then and there, without later interruption from my father, things would be all fine by now. I reckon that it will take a week for us to get use to managing the daily chores without and additional burden around. A month or two to tide through the emotional setback from the lost of a parent is quite realistic. Two years later in the present, there will not be a
resurface of the problem, no, the infestation. Considering her age of 54 now, it will be another decade till her pity life expire on her. 5 yrs for elyse and me to step into our individual lives, seperate from my mom's destructive presence.But i have my youngest sister to worry about.
I have long went beyond hatred for the witch. At the present moment, I feel myself falling beyond despise as well. Its becoming impossible to conjure a word to depict my intense negative impression of her. A person like her, who blatently defies human social behaviour and even the most natural of inate maternal love, should not exist at all. Not as a living being, not as an entity and infact not at all in any form. What now? Guide me Zente, like you guided zen and zon who were the shepherds of your religion.
Boring day
What a boring day. I woke up, and its all shine. It stopped raining somewhere between 4am and dawn. How accurate can I get. Geez. And the day crept on with a boring momentum of lifelessness.
I tried studying but could only last 25mins through my sister's economics notes. Should have brought my
forbes,
men's health and
essence of style back. So I tried to level up in maple instead. I can't believe I am actually playing such a kiddish game
Haiz..sigh...Sentosa tomorrow? Somehow I wish it just rain the whole day instead.Bah bah...black sheep...have you any wool.
Raining
Blogging is a total waste of time if not for the fact that it is part of the 3rd concern in my life. It is Sunday, 8th December 9.24pm Singapore time. The past 24hrs have crawled by at an infinitely slow pace, much to my delight.
As if to mimic my mood, its has been raining for more than a day.I am no poet, but this short period of time felt like forever. Forever in a past tense. It will eventually stop raining unless there is some kind of magic. I wish it rain forever. But wishes are wishes. Unless I topple the hourglass, the sands of time will keep flowing by and the non-persistent shall change.
Zon says life is too short to think about everything. Some things are better left for the heart to feel than for the mind to rationalise. True. Still there is a time for those that are beautiful to come to pass. What can one do to keep things in a state of stasis, of forever, without the past present and the future.
Zon has been missing for 2 weeks, since christmas eve. Has anyone seen him? He left a CD of the song Promise Me by Beverly Craven. It bears his handwriting. I wonder what kind of fantasy drove him to write something for himself. He wished he heard these words from someone?
You light up another cigarete and
I pour the wine
It's four o'clock in the morning
and it's starting to get light now
I'm right where I want to be
losing track of time
but I wish that it was still last night
You look like you're in another world
but I can read your mind
how can you be so far away
lying by my side
when I go away
I'll miss you
and I will be thinking of you
every night and day just ...
Promise me you'll wait for me
'cause I'll be saving all my love for you
and I will be home soon
Promise me you you'll wait for me
I need to know you feel the same way too
and I'll be home, I'll be home soon
When I go away I'll miss you
and I will be thinking of you
every night and day just ...
Promise me you'll wait for me
'cause I'll be saving all my love for you
and I will be home soon
Promise me you you'll wait for me
I need to know you feel the same way too
and I'll be home, I'll be home
Promise me you'll wait for me
'cause I'll be saving all my love for you
and I will be home soon
Promise me you you'll wait for me
I need to know you feel the same way too
and I'll be home, I'll be home soon.
-Zen
KTG
I was tossing in bed, thinking of my recent decadence. I couldn't sleep, until I reach a conclusion that I should start living like I did in those JC days. I set fresh piorities for myself and vowed to abide by the rule of three. There will only be three things in my life that is worthy of concern. I shall not care about anything that falls beyond that.They are as follow:
1. Social Standing
2. Career
3.
SecretYou know what KTG means? KTG means you know what you want and you set forth to conquere. Nothing is unattainable so long as you have the determination to achieve. When have I failed?
Title? What title?
Why does each blog entry have to come with a title? Can I just ignore it for once? I think I just did.
Its friday night and I wonder why I am at home, alone with men's best friend -drinks.(note the oxymoron) Somehow, I am beginning to dread the days. Seems like everything is a bore. I believe that at this point of time, many of my buddies are eagerly looking forward to ORD. Its quite different for me, ORD isn't even significant. Ever raised the question "so what?". Public opinion will yield words like:you don't have to be in camp, freedom, pink IC, don't you wish you were out, etc. I really don't think ORD changes things that much. Its not like we are still in crew cut, with severly restricted social life. We have so much time at home we sometimes find it boring we rather book in to crap with our bros. We have fun in our bunks. We hang out in town as and when we like, well almost. How much difference does ORD really makes to our lives.
Rather, I feel that its the little things we do day-in-day-out that really moulds us. Imagine talking about nothing but games and trash. What good does it make? Such conversations are simply a waste of time and are practically useless. Imagine having fun everyday hanging out, watching movies, playing -gosh- lan games and the like. Meaningful? How about reading, learning something new, venturing the unknown, sports or just simply sweat it out. Much better isn't it?
I should really get things back on track. Those days when I was focused, I was really driven. But now...what do I have? Some good friends, respectable qualifications, some penny in my pocket and...what else? Feels like something is missing. There is nothing to look forward to. Is there?
Its almost saturday, and then it will be sunday
already.
Yesterday and today
Yes I understand that that is the title of a Jap Song. Not that it has any relevance, but I just find it a fitting title for this entry. There have been quite alot of ups and downs in my life lately but seems like I am tiding through it pretty well. I thank all the people around me, my friends for everything.
I came back slightly short of twelve last night and got a sms from peiting. Qiu Juan was online talking to me and so was guojun. Wong was talking about how friendships fade and I was telling him that when he starts studying in Germany, he will see things getting alot worse.Yuwen, on the other hand was running to me for help, claiming her fears for the challenges in the year ahead. I then start to think, friends do make your life beautiful. Think of all the times there is someone for you to reach out to for emotional comfort. It will be scary to have no one there. I am lucky.
I had a good start for the morning, and went for brunch with `rain. Went to cosy corner at coro and visited several memory checkpoints from JC days. I said "time flies", and true it is. It has been four years since first 3 months, 4 yrs since I know her. Its amazing how our friendship have developed to this present stage. Its beautiful, yet scary. Scary because no one can ever be too sure how things will change.
"Try as we might, things may never be the same as it is today" how true...
Then evening came with some light shower which soon developed into quite a heavy rain. Peiting was asking for my address in order to mail me something. I though it was quite dumb so we ended up meeting for dinner instead. I must say I am really touched. It was really nice of her to draw a bday card with my name made in the form of a star. I was taken aback. Honestly, we have not been close these days. Maybe the recent christmas party at judy's house reminded us that four years back, we were very good friends. And so I wonder, what will it be like four years from now. Will someone I treasure so dearly today be yet another "long time friend"?
~Interval shower and thinking~
"Life is too short to brood over all this, live for the moment and be happy"
"I think it depends on whether there is effort put in"
"Maybe its a second chance"
Yeah, it is true that I have seen friendship strengthening over the past four years. It is no proof, or so I hope, that this is the peak. That this bond will soon deteriorate. On the other hand, it is hardly any edvidence that in time to come, this friendship will become even stronger. I believe its up to the individual to keep it going and growing.
Maybe it is just human nature that we soon forget those whom we held by closely as our soul mates. That friends drift apart eventually due to social constrains. Even married couples can break up. Siblings...well, thats quite close to forever. But, are we gonna give in? I think the memories that we once share with our dear is a good reason for us NOT to give in and fight fiercely for relations to last as long as possible.
Five years back, who was so inseperable from you you said you will be friends forever. How is it now?
